Monday, March 31, 2014

untitled

it gets a little wordy here because i'm sad.
you know they said, to forget someone u love, you have to love somebody else. but to me, that is not true at all. i mean, how would you feel if you realised that the one you love actually used you to move on from their previous? wouldn't you feel like a substitution? I will.

I'll just stop feeling. like literally occupied myself with things to do and not think about it. I'm pretty strong in that, i must say. I can just live without you if you can live without me. Why do i have to hold on to someone so dearly when they don't even think about me? or maybe they do, but someone else is more important than me. you get my drift?

but then, there is still a tiny weeny of space left with all the thoughts, the words and the memories. It hurts. pretty much. To all think back, it was so fun. it was cool hanging out with you. it was warm to get hugs from you. it gives me butterflies whenever u gave me forehead kisses whenever we separated our ways to call it a day.

It wasn't a long period of time, i would say it was short. because we had fun and fun times always passed the fastest. I couldn't comprehend how i really felt right now, because all i ever felt ever since we didn't talk properly for days was broken. I have feelings too, just in case you forgot.

I still remember the first time i saw you.. you were walking towards my direction, and the first thing that came to my mind was 'ahh, so cute'. little did i know you were also working at the same level, so near so close to my shop. its fucking near actually. just few steps away.

I will remember how you get my number, because only a Sohai (idiot) will do it that way.
I will always remember the first proper conversation(apart from changing money) we had face to face cos' you sounded like you want to ask me out hahahaha
I will always remember your smile, cos it really brightens out my day.
I will always remember your eyes..... those 'huh, what happen' look HAHA
I will always remember how you laugh at me and said i always gave you retarded faces.
I will always remember you told me that whenever you saw me, you will smile unknowingly.
I will always remember how you ask me out and then pretend like it was all because i wanted to go out.
I will always remember the first date, first movie
I will always remember the supper we had and all the places we went.
I will always remember how you forced me to drink water cos to keeps my body hydrated as the weather was too damn warm.
I will always remember how you jokingly calls me a bitch whenever i said something hilarious and lame about you.
I will always remember those stupid lame jokes and riddles that keeps us entertain during our working times and when we were upset.
I will always remember how you pretended to be innocent after being mischievous.
I will always remember all those times we went to buy food together, those times you closed your shop just to have a meal with me.
I will always remember that face of yours whenever i get you your honey water.
I will always remember you didn't smoke because i told you that smoking was bad for your health as you were having a bad cough and i don't want you to smoke.
I will always remember that night you picked me up from work. travelled all the way from the north-east to my workplace and to the west and back to north-east.
I will always remember how you came into my shop that night, like you didn't want to hide anything from my colleague.
I will always remember how annoying you were to me. especially when i was quiet and left you alone cos i was tired.
I will always remember that night i asked you to gave me extra 2 forehead kisses cos we won't be seeing each other after 2 more friggin day.
I will always remember that you said you have always been looking at me when i was working until your colleague ask you to start work and stop looking at me.
I will always remember those i-dont-want-to-leave-the-bus-stop-moment becos it was the time to bid farewell.
I REMEMBER.... ALL
There are more things i remember. Im afraid i would forget about them that whenever i thought about you and the things we did, i would all pen down.

So this is a disadvantage of dating someone. you get too attached and when they leave, you can't handle it. times to times, i felt so sad that my heart sinks. gets a little to heavy to do anything. even sleeping.


I bet i'll miss you.
Good bye, sohai

Monday, March 24, 2014

Crazy march

i don't really know what i should do now.
i don't even know what i should say or what i should not.
its like everything i say just comes out wrong.

my feeling don't matter at all
becos right now, what that matter most is what other people think. 
what they think of me. 

I don't want to come off as someone who can't be trusted.
neither do i want to be weak.

I mean no one wants people to think that they are unreliable right?
Same here.

I hate it when people put words into my mouth or twist the fact.
making everyone confused and hard to believe whose right and whose wrong.

But u know what?

I know who's a good friend and who is not.

i know who can be trusted and who can't be.

I know who's the one at the back doing all sorts of nonsense trying to break friendship apart.

~~~

We all have eyes and we all have thoughts
we can see and feel.

we are not your muppets.
neither are we dumb.

Obviously, we know how to differentiate the good and the bad

~~~

If you know me well,
you should know me well enough that i will NEVER ever retaliate back 
this means that whatever u do to me, even if u hate me, threaten me or even whack me,
i wouldn't do the same to u.
because I'm never that kind of person.
all i would do is to just ignore it.
BUT i won't bottle up,
I will talk(or rant) to someone i trust and we would talk about it and solve it

and if you are now thinking 
'talk until like that but truth is she also don't dare'
nope, you're wrong.
its not that i don't dare but its becos i was taught to be magnanimous 
and never offend anyone is what i live by. 

I will also NEVER ever 
do anything to u(which includes badmouth or talk about u) if u didn't do anything to me FIRST.
this means that if you didn't do anything to me FIRST, i wouldn't do anything to you.
(in layman term, if u don't start it, i wouldn't even light the match to begin with)
but if u ever did, all i could do is to just (and again) rant to someone i trust.
like i've said, i won't retaliate back.

Lastly, 
if i ever did that, 
( eg. talking bad about u first or doing things that beyond my conscious )
my night will become sleepless and i'll keeps on reflecting on what i've done.

~~~

If you know me well enough,
you know that i'll never reject anyone who needs help.
I WILL SURE HELP YOU EVEN IF IT MEANS GOING MILES.
and not forgetting that 
even if I'm mad at u and you still needed my help,
i'll still help you.

BUT WHY?
why am i treated so badly?
by people who i've helped.

Is that a game?
to be ungrateful to someone who helped u?

Are you still able to sleep peacefully
 when u treat someone who helped u whenever u needed help badly?

Is that how u're taught to become?

You think violence and threatens are the solutions to everything?

NO
hell no

~~~

is it that seeing someone feel sad and intimidated by you makes u feel cool?

wouldn't u feel guilty?
or 
are u feeling like that person deserve to feel intimidated and scared?

let me tell you,
u don't even know what that person is thinking dude.
so don't you ever assume.

don't be a sadist.

Treat people like how you want to be treated like,
thats all i can say.

~~~

just some thoughts in the middle of the night.
and somethings that i'm relating to right now.
and if the shoes fits, feel free to wear it.